I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
– Fannie Lou Hamer
To borrow from Beruthiel, I’m having a brain dump. Despite the little permutations and ripples in our roster, the guild is moving along at a wonderful clip. Even on a night when we didn’t have a full raid group for progression, we were able to finally say thank you to one of our wonderful guildies who no longer raids, but sat in for more raids than I’m sure he had time for last Spring. While it can’t repay his time, and really how much those fill-ins meant to our team moving forward, hopefully a Pureblood Firehawk gets the sentiment across. And I can’t even begin to tell you how much awe I had for a guy who never saw regular Ragnoros and on his third attempt was alive and kicking as we took Ragnaros down.
Yet, my specializations continue to be an issue. While healing isn’t posing me any problems, I still struggle with my DPS. Although I’m sure everyone is quite tired of my whining and moaning, I felt oddly vindicated when I had a guild member have a private chat with me about how I wasn’t hitting the bar. Vindicated, but frustrated. There are some areas that I’m trying to improve, especially regarding movement, dots, and dps up-time throughout, but nothing that would explain away a 10% gap that I’m told exists. Nor can a gear gap comfortably explain the problem in full. Because I don’t have to turn in normal mode tier for heroic mode pieces, my two sets are much closer (and less overlapped) than they’ve been for the entire expansion. My boomkin set still lags behind, but not enough that it can account for everything. It truly makes me question the advantage of my particular class/role covering the dual-spec gap.
On the other hand, I’m fighting to make up the difference, because I like covering that gap. As enjoyable as healing can be, healers are either wringing their hands over their lack of god-like ability to save people from their own deaths, to trying not to sit back on their laurels and actually remain engaged as fights become mastered and healing becomes a matter of mechanics. I’d be disappointed if I lose my role because of my numbers because I honestly enjoy being able to swap as needed and add a little variety to my dungeon trawling.
The other issue I’m having is visual. I’m sure it’s just spending so much time locked in front of a computer screen: reading, writing and gaming, I probably spend more time in front of a screen than I do sleeping. Although it’s not every night, sometimes I just can’t focus on the screen anymore. I’ve tried to compensate by adding some more auras, and keeping my GTFO up to date, but when you’re supposed to be seeing this:
and everything looks like this:
it’s frustrating. (And no, the cat did not manage to knock off my glasses… this time ^^) Usually some rapid blinking, or closing my eyes for a bit helps, but you ever try doing that in the middle of a boss fight?
I just closed my eyes for a second. Bloody hell!?
To balance all that, I’ve been trying to get more active with my alts again. I haven’t really been doing much of anything with any of my characters, but some friends have talked me into goofing around instead of being so serious all the time.
We make a fairly good team, and even though I’m not awesome, it’s nice to be able to stress over something silly like a leveling 5-man, or a LFR than the all-important main.
I think my struggles with Terri are what make me consider changing mains. It’s not that I don’t like her: she’s flexible and who doesn’t love being a treant? But it’s also tiring, because I’m failing to see the improvements I want to see as time goes on. It seems to be the same ol’ shit tier after tier and I’m not sure I want to spend another expansion locked into fighting that fight. Of course, the other thing I’m considering is a dual spec option. I just can’t seem to help myself when it comes to making my life difficult ^^
However, I am refusing to make a decision right now. I’m not in a happy place, not in a stress-free place, in any part of my life right now. Although I’ve managed to weather most of the winter without a major meltdown, I am struggling, especially with the added stress of the mother and a thesis defense coming up in March. (A thesis that is still being written and is causing me no end of grief on its own.)
So I’m gonna continue to bumble along for a few more months, get that next degree completed, and hope that I can dedicate enough time to fixing the problems I do see. Fortunately, we’ve already finished all the encounters this tier that I go boomkin for, so while I don’t want to sit back and let my performance continue to suck, I’m also not holding anything back, which is somewhat liberating even if it means, fundamentally, nothing changes.
/end brain dump